Hurumanu- stop, write, here

In hurmanu for art, we are starting to write our stories. With my other post, I had told you what we were doing and why we were doing it. So far my group and I have finished our draft writing and our final writing all we have to do is get started with the movie. If you don't know what the story is about it is based on caring.  

Instead of me writing this story big as story I rather show you my writing. I'll show you the draft than the final finished work.

Draft: I’ll miss you

On March 21, 2000, my daughter was born we called her Wairua to cause she came out peacefully also It is a beautiful name. She was a brown tiny ataahua baby, she was so precious. Once we went home my mother-in-law was waiting at home to see her first grandchild. When we got home Tawa Tracie was sitting on the couch looking out the window. She was so excited when she saw us coming inside, I looked at her and she had a huge smile across her face and a tear falling down. When she held Wairua she was in love with her. Wairua started growing very fast. When she was 2 she was already starting to know all her time's tables. She was such a smart baby, when it was her birthday she would always wake us up and then give everyone presents.

Her and Tawa Tracie were really close they would do everything together, they would bake, shop, eat, go to the toilet. They were close. When Wairua got older she would always stay with Tawa than stay with her friends. Then when Wairua was 10 everything changed. Tawa was really sick and was always vomiting so she thought she might go to the doctors an hour later we got a call from her and she said she had breast cancer. She said she only had a few months. I had to tell Wairua. I had her sit down and she was wondering where Tawa was I told and it was hard but I did it. She ran out and she had gone to the hospital she was there for hours.  20 May 2010 Tawa died, it was super hard for Wairua.

When we had enough money we had the funeral it was hard for all of us after the funeral Wairua went back to her room she wouldn’t go to school, she wouldn’t eat and she wouldn’t go out of her room only if she needed to use the bathroom. We realized she was depressed so we decided for her to go to therapy. Once she got better we got her to go back to school. Then when she got older and had finished college she had been accepted to university. We were scared for her but also proud. When she came back for the Christmas holiday she had brought a boy.

His name was Trey. He was a very kind boy had lots of manners very handsome. Then a few years later he had come to me to ask me if he could marry her. I was in tears I thought it was an amazing idea so I said “yes” he was so happy. Then he invited us to come to the engagement it was so beautiful. Then a year later they got married it was so beautiful. Then after their honeymoon, she got pregnant. Then a month later she gave birth and called the baby Lucky cause after she was born she was really tiny and the doctors said she won't live till a week but she passed that and she was getting bigger.

A year later I had been diagnosed with diabetes. When I had told my family Wairua was really afraid that she would lose me too so she would always be with me. I felt so bad for her I wish I had not of eating so much junk. Then a month later I died. When I died I felt so bad cause when I looked down Wairua and my wife were both crying. Then a year later everyone was feeling better it took them a long time to calm and get along with their lives. It was was a really hard year for Wairua because she had 1 loved one.

Then a few years later my grandchild was older and she close to my wife they did everything together. Then my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer like her mother. She died as well. It was really hard for my grandchild because she was really close to her. She went to therapy as well like her mother and she got better.

Now this is years away and our third generation is the same it's like a curse like everyone is doing the same things except there are different tech and other cool stuff that is happening but sadly families dying but more are having the best life and achieving their goals and doing awesome work. I wish I could be able to see them grow in person but I do have a good view.

The feedback that my partner gave me was really good and it did help me improve in my writing. My buddy was Mikayla.

Feedback:

Hey, Milan this is a really good narrative, You just need to check Grammarly because some sentences need a  comma. I like how you have when, where, who and what. I really like how you added Maori words in it it's really nice how you changed the boring word beautiful to your own culture. I like all the detail in this your sentence structure is really good but there are a few places where you have to add commas. Like after 2000 there should be a comma there and a few places where you have to add some punctuation. There are a few places where you could add different and more interesting words that could draw the reader in. I really loved the ending keep up the good work.

Then I had worked on my writing adding all the feedback in my story and it turned out like this.

Final:

 I’ll miss you

On March 21, 2000, my daughter was born we called her Wairua to cause she came out peacefully also It is an ataahua name. She was a toffee coloured,  tiny, ataahua baby, she was so precious. Once we went home my mother-in-law was waiting at home to see her first grandchild. When we got home Tawa Tracie was sitting on the couch looking out the window. She was so excited when she saw us coming inside, I looked at her and she had a huge smile across her face and a tear falling down. She yelled instantly screamed and said, “ AHHHH my baby is home give her to me!” When she held Wairua she was in love with her. Wairua started growing very fast. When she was 2 she was already starting to know all her time's tables. She was such a smart baby, when it was her birthday she would always wake us up and then give everyone presents.

Her and Tawa Tracie were really close they would do everything together, they would bake, shop, eat, go to the toilet. They were close. When Wairua got older she would always stay with Tawa than stay with her friends. Then when Wairua was 10 everything changed. Tawa was really sick and was always vomiting so she thought she might go to the doctors an hour later we got a call from her and she said she had breast cancer. She said she only had a few months. I had to tell Wairua. I had her sit down and she was wondering where Tawa was I told and it was hard but I did it. She ran out and she had gone to the hospital she was there for hours.  20 May 2010 Tawa died, it was super hard for Wairua.

When we had enough money we had the funeral it was hard for all of us after the funeral Wairua went back to her room she wouldn’t go to school, she wouldn’t eat and she wouldn’t go out of her room only if she needed to use the bathroom. We realized she was depressed so we decided for her to go to therapy. “ I DON’T WANT TO GO,” she said while we were dragging her out of the bed while she was wiggling like a fish. Once she got better we got her to go back to school. Then when she got older and had finished college she had been accepted to university. We were scared for her but also proud. When she came back for the Christmas holiday she had brought a boy.

His name was Trey Sushi, it was a very random name cause like treys like the thing you put your dish on and sushi as the food. He was a very kind boy had lots of manners very handsome. Then a few years later he had come to me to ask me if he could marry her. I was in tears I thought it was an amazing idea so I said “yes” he was so happy. Then he invited us to come to the engagement it was so beautiful. Then a year later they got married it was so beautiful. Then after their honeymoon, she got pregnant. Then a month later she gave birth and called the baby Lucky cause after she was born she was really tiny and the doctors said she won't live till a week but she passed that and she was getting bigger.

A year later I had been diagnosed with diabetes. When I had told my family Wairua was really afraid that she would lose me too so she would always be with me. I felt so bad for her I wish I had not of eating so much junk. Then a month later I died. When I died I felt so bad cause when I looked down Wairua and my wife were both crying. Then a year later everyone was feeling better it took them a long time to calm and get along with their lives. It was was a really hard year for Wairua because she had 1 loved one.

Then a few years later my grandchild was older and she close to my wife they did everything together. Then my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer like her mother. She died as well. It was really hard for my grandchild because she was really close to her. She went to therapy as well like her mother and she got better.

Now this is years away and our third generation is the same it's like a curse like everyone is doing the same things except there are different tech and other cool stuff that is happening but sadly families dying but more are having the best life and achieving their goals and doing awesome work. I wish I could be able to see them grow in person but I do have a good view.